


Epic Shooshpap Battles of History

by ashkatom



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-04
Updated: 2012-07-04
Packaged: 2017-11-09 04:04:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/451052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashkatom/pseuds/ashkatom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wherein Karkat does really, stupendously awfully at hiding under Sufferer’s desk and running away from his problems. Shooshpaps happen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Epic Shooshpap Battles of History

\-- candidGovernance [CG] has started trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --  
CG: HEY.  
CG: PUPA.  
CG: YOU REALISE I CAN SEE YOU THERE, RIGHT?  
CG: MY SINCEREST APOLOGIES, PAST SELF. I ASSUMED FROM THE COLOUR OF YOUR TEXT YOU ARE, IN FACT, BLIND AS A FUCKING FLYING SCREECHBEAST AND I COULD SUCCESSFULLY GET PAST WITHOUT HEARING A HALF-HOUR SERMON ON HOW TO NOT BE A BULGEBITING FUCKASS.  
CG: TOO LATE.  
CG: STEP ONE: DON’T STARE AT YOUR ANCESTOR LIKE A CREEP.  
CG: SERIOUSLY, WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING THERE?  
CG: ALSO STEP TWO IS STOP CALLING ME YOUR PAST SELF, THAT’S RIDICULOUS.  
CG: AND WHILE WE’RE SORT OF NEAR THIS TOPIC IN THE SAME WAY TROLL BRITISH TROLLS ARE SORT OF A BIT SNOBBY, YOU WEREN’T EXACTLY TRYING TO “GET PAST.”  
CG: YOU’RE HIDING UNDER MY DESK.  
CG: YOU BIT MY TOES.  
CG: IS THERE A REASON I HAVE TO TROLL YOU INSTEAD OF JUST TALKING TO YOU, AS HAS BEEN PROVEN EFFECTIVE BY A MILLENNIA OF PRACTICAL STUDY?  
CG: ...  
CG: ONE OF THE LEGISLACERATORS MIGHT FIND ME.  
CG: AND WHY WOULD THE LEGISLACERATORS CARE ABOUT YOU ENOUGH TO COME SEARCHING?  
CG: PROBABLY BECAUSE I INHERITED YOUR ABILITY TO BE NIGH-USELESS IN THE FACE OF PRACTICAL APPLICATIONS OF MY QUADRANT KNOWLEDGE.  
CG: COULD YOU QUIT TYPING SO LOUDLY.  
CG: NOPE.  
CG: AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN, INHERITED? I DON’T HAVE ANY QUADRANT PROBLEMS.  
CG: I’D KICK YOU FOR IMPLYING IT BUT YOU’D JUST BITE MY TOES AGAIN.  
CG: I’M SO GLAD ROSA RAISED ME TO NOT BE A FERAL TOE-BITING DESKDWELLER.  
CG: I’D LAUGH WERE I NOT SO TERRIFIED THAT THE LEGISLACERATORS ON THIS ROCK CAN SNIFF OUT A GENUINE RESPONSE TO HUMOR.  
CG: INSTEAD ALLOW ME TO TYPE ‘HA’ SARCASTICALLY:  
CG: HA!  
CG: LET ME JUST COUGH UP MY VIRTUAL GUTS HERE TO EXPLAIN THAT SINCE YOU’RE AS THICK AS A CARPENTER DRONE AND THE BRICK HE’S LAYING SIMULTANEOUSLY.  
CG: *COUGH*PSIIONIC*COUGH*  
CG: WOULDN’T THAT BE A BRICKLAYING DRONE?  
CG: WHAT.  
CG: CARPENTER DRONES WORK WITH WOOD.  
CG: I THINK YOU’RE MISSING THE POINT HERE.  
CG: THE POINT BEING THAT OUR GENES ARE SO TERRIBLE AT ROMANCE THAT LALONDE BREAKS OUT THE STUPID CURLY ARMREST COUCH WHENEVER I EVEN WALK PAST HER. SHE STEEPLED HER FINGERS AT ME LAST TIME. I CANNOT TAKE THIS MUCH LONGER. NOT TO MENTION NEPETA’S SHIPPING WALLS.  
CG: YEAH.  
CG: ABOUT THAT.  
CG: HER CRUSH ON ME IS GETTING _CREEPY AS FUCK_.  
CG: PLEASE.  
CG: DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT.  
CG: SNOG HER YOURSELF IF YOU HAVE TO.  
CG: WHAT.  
CG: _WHAT_.  
CG: DID YOU SERIOUSLY JUST SUGGEST THAT I TAKE NEPETA FOR A WALK IN FRONT OF THE SHIPPING WALLS? I AM THE LEADER OF THIS GROUP OF BEINGS THAT CAN’T SEPARATE THEIR MOUTHS FROM THEIR OWN NOOKS LONG ENOUGH TO COME UP WITH A PLAN TO DEFEAT JACK FOR A REASON, AND THAT REASON IS THAT I AM NOT BUGFUCK SHITHIVEMAGGOTS.  
CG: DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT KIND OF INSTABILITY DOING THAT WOULD CAUSE.  
CG: I’M PRETTY SURE THAT EQUIUS WOULD SMOTHER ME, AND THAT WOULD BE AN UNCOMFORTABLY DAMP WAY TO GO. THERE WOULD BE A VACUUM IN THE LEADERSHIP, WHICH VRISKA WOULD TRY TO FILL, AND THAT WAY LIES INSANITY.  
CG: TROLLS, MURDERED.  
CG: ASTEROIDS, CRUMBLING.  
CG: IT WOULD BE THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE FUCKING KNOW IT, TAKE TWO.  
CG: ...  
CG: WOW YOU’RE PRETTY HUNG UP ON THIS.  
CG: I HAVE A FLUSHMATE. SHE’S THE ONE CURRENTLY TRYING TO SNIFF ME DOWN.  
CG: AND YOU ARE HIDING IN A VERY LOGICAL MANNER, BECAUSE SEEING YOUR FLUSHMATE IS A TERRIBLE THING?  
CG: PSIIONIC.  
CG: MY GOODNESS, I AM DISCOVERING AN UNERRING URGE TO CLEAR MY THROAT.  
CG: PERHAPS A HEARTY SHOUT OF ‘LEGISLACERATOR!’ WOULD DO THE TRICK?  
CG: DON’T YOU DARE. I AM THE LEADER OF THIS SHITTY ROCK AND I WILL JETTISON YOU OFF IT. I CAN CALL IT A TACTICAL MANEUVER. YOU’D BE LEADER OF THE SPACE EXPLORATION AND JACK DIVERSION DIVISION.  
CG: ALTHOUGH NOT FOR LONG.  
CG: YOU’D BE A LOT MORE IMPOSING IF YOU WEREN’T HIDING UNDER MY DESK AND FRANTICALLY SHOOSHING ME.  
CG: SERIOUSLY, PUPA. THE LEGISLACERATORS ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROCK. EATING GRUBCAKE.  
CG: I DON’T THINK THEY’RE LOOKING FOR YOU AT THE MOMENT.  
CG: THE GRUBCAKE IS RED.  
CG: SO WHAT DID YOU DO.  
CG: HAD A FIGHT WITH TEREZI, IF YOU’RE SO DETERMINED TO CRAM YOUR NOSE UP MY NOOK.  
CG: BLAH BLAH KISMESSITUDE BLAH STRIDER BLAH YOUR3 SO 4L1K3 1 DONT TH1NK 1T WOULD B3 1MPOSS1BL3.  
CG: STRIDER?  
CG: THE RED HUMAN.  
CG: OH, THE ONE YOU’VE BEEN HATEMACKING ON LIKE YOU’RE THE EMBODIED REINCARNATION OF PSI’S MACK?  
CG: WH-  
CG: I HAVE NOT!  
CG: KID, YOU’RE HIDING UNDER MY DESK. HAVE THE DECENCY TO STOP LYING TO MY FEET.  
CG: QUIT PRETENDING I’M A FOOTREST THEN, YOU COMPLETE FAILURE OF AN ANCESTOR.  
CG: OOH, OUCH.  
CG: I’M FEELING A SUDDEN URGE TO PRACTICE THE SIX-STRING AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE. I KNOW A FEW RAUCOUS SONGS, BUT THEY’RE ALL ABOUT LEGISLACERATORS. OH WELL, I’M SURE REDGLARE WOULD BE HAPPY TO LISTEN. SHE CAN DRAG ALONG HER DESCENDENT, IT’LL BE A PARTY.  
CG: YOU’RE JACK FOOD.  
CG: EXCEPT HE’LL PROBABLY SPIT YOU OUT, WHAT WITH THAT BITTER FUCKING CENTRE AND ALL. SO YOU’RE NOT JUST JACK FOOD, YOU’RE A COMPLETE WASTE OF MY RESOURCES. CONGRATULATIONS, WASTEWIPE, YOU’RE THE MOST USELESS TROLL ON THE ROCK!  
CG: ALRIGHT, SO.  
CG: YOU HAD A FIGHT WITH YOUR MATESPRIT  
CG: ABOUT YOUR DEVELOPING KISMESSITUDE WITH THE HUMAN  
CG: WHICH YOU’RE STILL CONFLICTED OVER.  
CG: ...  
CG: BITE TOES ONCE FOR YES AND TWICE FOR NO.  
CG: OW!  
CG: OKAY.  
CG: FIRST THING IS, YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO STOP HIDING UNDER MY DESK.  
CG: THEN YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO STOP TREATING THIS LIKE SUCH A HUGE FUCKING DEAL.  
CG: YOU’VE ALREADY GOT ENOUGH SHIT TO DEAL WITH AS LEADER OF THIS SHITTY ROCK, AND I WISH WE COULD TAKE OVER FOR YOU AND RELIEVE SOME OF THE STRESS, BUT YOU PUPAE ARE THE ONES WITH THE KNOWLEDGE. WE’RE JUST ALONG FOR THE RIDE.  
CG: QUITE FRANKLY, WE’RE AS USELESS AS MESH DOORS ON A SPACESHIP.  
CG: HOW IN SEVERAL HELLS, ALL OF THEM FILLED WITH YOUR SHITTY IDIOMS, AM I SUPPOSED TO NOT TREAT THE QUADRANTS AS A BIG DEAL? THEY’RE KIND OF THE PINNACLE OF OUR FUCKING EXISTENCE!  
CG: PUPA.  
CG: KARKAT.  
CG: YOU HAVE SEEN THE UNIVERSE END. YOU ENDED IT. YOU HAVE MADE ALIEN CONTACT, YOU HAVE HELPED ANOTHER UNIVERSE CROSS INTO OURS, YOU HAVE LED YOUR RAGTAG GROUP OF MISADVENTURERS THROUGH DEATH AND BACK OUT THE OTHER SIDE, YOU’VE RESCUED EVERYTHING GOOD OF ALTERNIA YOU CAN AND YOU’VE PRUNED AWAY THE BAD.  
CG: AND YOU’RE TELLING ME YOU’RE AFRAID OF SOME BOY MAKING YOUR BLOODPUSHER TICK.  
CG: YOU PICKED THE WAY THAT MAKES ME SOUND LIKE AN IDIOT TRIPPING OVER MY OWN FEET ON PURPOSE, DIDN’T YOU.  
CG: THAT’S WHAT WE’RE HERE FOR. MAKING PUPAE LOOK STUPID SINCE BEFORE THEY WERE BORN.  
CG: NOW GET OUT FROM UNDER MY DESK AND GO TELL SHARKTEETH THAT YOU’LL DEAL WITH YOUR QUADRANTS IN YOUR OWN TIME.  
CG: SHOO.  
CG: FINE!  
CG: GOOD!  
\-- candidGovernance [CG] has ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --  
\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has started trolling candidGovernance [CG] --  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK, DID YOU JUST TEXTUALLY SHOOSHPAP AND FEELINGS JAM ME BEFORE.  
CG: I AM IMPRESSED AND FEEL SLIGHTLY VIOLATED.  
CG: FUCK YOU.  
CG: YOU’VE GOT A LOT OF GROWING UP TO DO BEFORE YOU GET THIS GOOD AT SHOOSHPAPPING, PUPA.  
\-- candidGovernance [CG] has ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --  
CG: WELL.  
CG: MAYBE YOU SHOULD TAKE YOUR OWN ADVICE. ABOUT PSIIONIC.  
CG: WHAT ARE YOU SO AFRAID OF.  
CG: IDIOT.  
\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased trolling candidGovernance [CG] --  
\-- candidGovernance [CG] has started trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --  
CG: WAIT  
CG: WHAT?  
CG: FUCK!  
CG: YOU DON’T GET TO SHOOSHPAP ME!  
CG: I’LL SHOW YOU SHOOSHPAPPING, VANTAS!  
CG: BRING IT.  
\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased trolling candidGovernance [CG] --


End file.
